Here’s Part II of … “Don’t Ever Make Tombstones. Just Buy Them” (which I didn’t even think of until I had to do all this shit today)
Part I is here if you want to do this and not heed my warnings.
So, you’ve made tombstones! That was so much work and effort and money, wasn’t it? Well guess what? You’re not done if you want these bad boys in a yard display! Yes, there’s tons more labor to do!
First off, the way they sell tombstones in the stores (with the spikes at the bottom) is shit. Shit and crap and shit. They don’t work, they don’t go deep enough into the ground, they break off, etc. So this part of the tutorial works for custom tombstones OR store-bought tombstones.
What you need to do is anchor them to stakes in the ground.
Take a drill, with a wide enough drill bit to where you can get string through the foam. Drill at least four holes (two pairs) above/below each other. YES! After all that hard work and painting (unless you bought it) you have to DRILL into your beautiful creations! And foam will go EVERYWHERE so have a vacuum nearby!!
For small tombstones, two pairs (for one stake) is good enough. Larger tombstones will need two stakes to be anchored to; therefore, four pairs of holes.
Then, you need to get tough string. We’ve had a ball of string since before I was born, and we use it monthly, and we’ve been using it for 25 years at least, and it has never diminished in size. It’s our magic bolt of string. I am not exaggerating, you can ask my family. Anyhow, use your magic string or something thin but very strong. We had to tie the ends to a carpet needle to be able to get it through the thick foam. (The drill left a space, but all the little bits of foam that come off “clog” the hole).
Put the string through each of the holes so that the loose ends are in the back.
THEN! The most fun part! Grab wooden stakes and an appropriate mallet (or a hammer like me if you can’t find a mallet… but I highly suggest NOT using a hammer, because there’s less surface area to hit stuff and you can hit your fingers). Beat the shit out of that stake into the hard ground and try to get it at least 4 to 6 inches down, or whenever it feels like it’s not moving. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, you get the point, for each tombstone.
Then, put the tombstone in front, and tie the string tightly around the stake. ((I still need to trim the string shown in the photo)).
If your tombstone required two stakes, you need to use the tombstone and “line up” the stakes so that when you go to tie the strings, it matches up well.
OH! BUT YOU’RE NOT DONE!!
That white string you used is so unsightly.
So are the holes left from the drill showing the inside of the foam. So take out some more paint and quickly dab around all the areas with a similar color, so it doesn’t stand out too much.
If you’re REALLY picky, you can paint the backs of the stakes to hide them, but even I’m not going THAT far. Just mentioning it in case you want to add more labor.
Voila. It only took you like two weeks, right?
Note: This isn’t completely foolproof, but we’ve been doing this method for years in our yard and we’ve never lost a tombstone even in high wind. The string and holes have held up well, and stakes can be replaced if you lose them etc. This method has worked even for our thinner store-bought tombstones, too.
I want a squidward one 😱 the effort and time tho uuuuhhh I commend you for that haha I’m too lazy